I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
