This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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