no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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