Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
