I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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