why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
