so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
