also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
