Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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