I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
