Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
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