I could make wine with my vomit
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
