can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
