he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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