Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
