I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
