the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
