Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
