Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
