You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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