My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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