It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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