mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
