Fine. I'll sleep in my office
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
