I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
