He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
