i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
