Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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