I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
