if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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