i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
