Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
