i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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