i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
