The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
whose parrot is this?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
