Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
