Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
