Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i drank out of a bidet.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
