He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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