ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
