The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
