I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
