Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
They left me at home... I'm a liability
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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