She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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