Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
