You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
