i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
he was CRYING into my vagina
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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