I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
