the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
