my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
