the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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