Cold hands, warm shart.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
