I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
