just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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