matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
