I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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