wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
