Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
