Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
