Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
