laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
