i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
