I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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