i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
they're like a gay fantastic four
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Randomize
